If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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