guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
