Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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