My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
two words...techno handjob
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
