I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
