Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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