if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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