Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
