dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
