did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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