$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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