Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
