My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
