Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
