I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
