im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
