I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
