The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
