i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
