At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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