Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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