i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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