She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Can vaginas get frostbite?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
