So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
