If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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