It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
