party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
