Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
