My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
