What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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