I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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