I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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