I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
