Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
