1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
