I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
