Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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