please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
