hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
