she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
