I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
