don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
