im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
