I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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