When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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