i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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