I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
