just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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