I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
