yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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